Look (listen.) We’ve all been there. We’ve all accidentally liked someone on a dating app, and it’s always then awkward if they then message you to try and start a chat. This is the story of how wiping donut glaze off my phone landed me in the most uncomfortable Tinder exchange of my life.
So, anyone who knows me knows that I love donuts. I’m pretty simple, if they’re chocolate, cinnamon or they have a nice glaze on them, I’m a happy girl. I would trade a box of trashy cookies from one of those overpriced, overrated cookie companies for a good donut, or even just the smell of a nice donut any day of the week. Yum. So when one night I decided to eat donuts, drink wine and go on a bit of a swiping mission, I should have known that it would go to shit. But alas, my 18-year-old brain was ok with this, as too much sugar and 2 glasses of wine were really not a good combo. I swiped a few guys who I could see myself actively enjoying a conversation with, but then came Steven (name has of course been changed.) I dropped a bit of donut on my phone, and while engrossed in an episode of The Bachelorette (always a dangerous combo in my house.) and accidentally in the process of trying to flick the glaze off with my nail super-liked a guy. And we matched instantly. Ugh…
I decided to put my phone down for a while, as clearly I wasn’t paying enough attention to what I was doing, when suddenly it pings. Steven sent you a message. So not only did he think I really liked him, but he was so quick to message me once we had matched that I had barely looked away before the message arrived. Debating whether or not to open the message (at this stage, there was no option to have read receipts on Tinder and you also couldn’t see when someone was typing like on Hinge) so there was no chance he would know that I had seen it. I opened it and decided it was best to see what he had said to ease my own anxiety. It was quite possibly the most pointed message I have ever received, and one I was not prepared to respond to then, the next day or ever.
“So. What is a pretty girl like you doing superliking a guy like me?” (licking the last bit of glaze off my finger while I read, I wondered how something so delicious could land me in so much hot water.
Before you sit there and say I’m overreacting, picture yourself in my shoes. A boy you didn’t intend to match with has messaged you asking why you did, awkwardly framing you as out of his league, and for the life of you you can’t even bring yourself to lie and say “I just really liked your bio and wanted to ask…” or “I think you have a great smile!” Because he doesn’t have a bio and you don’t see him as attractive. So what would you say? I decided it was for the best not to respond for now, and to get through what I remember to be an extremely stressful Rose Ceremony (for those of you playing at home, it was Georgia Love’s season, and I wanted to marry Matty J) before I considered anything else. I sat back in my chair awaiting the announcement of the final rose before the boys took Georgia to their hometowns, when there it was again. Ping. Steven sent you a message. This second message disarmed me, maybe more than the first one, because I just didn’t know what he could possibly be saying, or how he could have known I had already seen his message. Did I dare open it? Later. The previews for hometowns were on, there was a recap to read, I had many teeth that needed brushing, I was very full on the schedule for the evening. About an hour later when I eventually got into bed, I decided to open the second message to see what he had to say.
“Because, I just can’t work it out- someone so pretty not only liking me, but SUPER liking me… Now, how did this happen, hmm?” (I wish I were kidding, but as I write this, I am sitting here reading the messages.)
So, again I put my phone down and decided that it would be best if I didn’t respond right away, I couldn’t think of an excuse and decided that this self loathing mess could be dealt with in the morning. Now, there was nothing especially wrong with the way he looked. He didn’t have a hump and warts all over his face, he didn’t appear to have a second head growing out of his neck and he certainly wasn’t in any kind of poor condition that would mean he should feel so poorly about himself. But was this a fishing technique? His way of boosting his ego? Degrade yourself to a stranger on the internet in hopes they fall in love with you and tell you how spectacular you are? Not my style.
In the morning I checked my phone to see he had again messaged me. I had probably gone to bed at about 22:30 and overnight it appeared he had sent me multiple messages. As someone who, at the time, worked in hospitality, I was used to messaging and swiping at all hours because of my work; but it was the contents of the messages that really concerned me. It was nothing crazy, it was just more self loathing nonsense that I didn’t have the time or energy to deal with. His messages from earlier had come in at 21:38 and 21:39. Here is the hot mess that followed –
Message 3, 22:40 – “Clearly it was an accident or a bet. I’m going to put my money on a bet.”
Message 4, 23:23 – “Or maybe you did it because you think you need some humbling and I’m going to be the type of person to do it. Sort of a Beauty and the Beast type situation?”
Message 5, 01:02 – “Look, if you’re not even going to respond, why did you even swipe right in the first place? What was the point? Get your kicks having a laugh at me and then never interact? Girls like you ruin dating for guys like me, you think you’re so much better than we are, when clearly you’re all just stuck up moles.”
Yikes. What a charmer. But somehow he hadn’t blocked me? It then dawned on me that he was likely drunk and messaging me from a night out and that’s why he was so full of self hatred. But, does that give anyone (drunk or sober) the right to tell me that just because I haven’t responded to multiple messages, that not only am I a stuck up mole, but that all girls are stuck up moles? Am I so wrong in thinking that he doesn’t have the right? Maybe I am a stuck up mole… As I said in The One with the Poem, I am not one to tolerate much bullshit when it comes down to it. I just don’t have the patience, nor the empathy, to worry about people like this. I decided to respond and at least be a little bit truthful, give him what he so clearly wanted.
“Well… That was a lot… I’m guessing you were drunk and/or high? I superliked you by accident while wiping doughnut glaze off my phone, and probably would have responded and spoken to you if you hadn’t been so pointed and aggressive. I don’t see anything wrong with you appearance wise, I just didn’t realize what a superlike was until it was too late. So, I’m sorry if you feel that I gave you the wrong idea, but that doesn’t give you the right to get so aggressive. It wasn’t your looks that have turned me off, it’s your attitude. Good luck with Tinder and with everything else, I hope there is one girl out there who isn’t, as you put it, a stuck up mole.” And with that, I felt the interaction was over. Feeling triumphant, I grabbed some coffee and settled in for a morning of assignments before I went to a late class. Steven messaged me a flimsy apology, trying to flip it back on me that I was “just so pretty he got nervous.” And with that, Steven was blocked and forgotten about.
I don’t often wonder what happened to him, but sometimes I do wonder how many other girls he called moles or got drunk and aggressive at.
Thank you so much for reading the latest instalment of Bad Date Diary, even if it is a bit of a time jump! I took some time off during November because I was dating someone, but y’all better believe that he will one day become a story too. I hope you all had a safe festive season, and I will see you again in the new year for a deeper explanation of my absence 😉