I guess sometimes things don’t work out because I’m the bad date. Bad might even be a bit of a stretch, but bad is also how I would describe this. I don’t think I’m perfect, and I know that I can be a bit of a pain, but this story is definitely a rarity, as this was mostly unprovoked and was just because I was being petty at the time and was fed up with the boy in question.
Sebastian came into my life around the same time the first and only person I ever truly loved left, and right before someone who had a huge impact on me entered my life. Things had not ended well with the guy I thought I had fallen in love with, and I know that that had some kind of influence on this story, as this guy was pushy and I wanted to be over it all. I never advocate for using someone to get over someone else, and I have truly learnt my lesson because of this situation and know to deal with my own emotional baggage before I get involved with someone else, as I have been both the user and the used and I know how difficult it can be to be in both positions.
So a little more on Sebastian. Sebastian was a few years
older than I was, and was nice(ish) to talk to. He had a dorky job, a few nerdy
hobbies and some interests I definitely did not share – which at the time
seemed fine. Sometimes when you meet someone with different hobbies and
interests to you, it can be more fun. You may learn something or even discover
an interest you never knew you had, and as a result, you get to share something
special with them, and they get to share something even more special with you.
Sebastian didn’t seem to mind the different interests, he thrived on them,
taking pride in his dorky interests and sharing as much as he could about as
many of them as he could. He could be a little bit condescending, especially
about having a wealthy family, having been to a fancy private school and living
in what he thought was a nice area, but that definitely wasn’t the worst thing
about him. The worst thing was that he got extremely clingy extremely quickly –
classic stage five clinger if ever I saw one. As someone who values
independence and having their own space, this was a lot to take on board so
quickly, especially from someone who I wasn’t overly interested in and who
(until a certain point) I hadn’t met. We organized to hang out a couple of
times, originally having a coffee at a local café, then going out to dinner and
to see a movie (which he talked through, much to my chagrin as I had suggested
the movie we saw), and then hanging out at an art gallery in the Melbourne CBD
before one final date that I will get to a little later on. He became
progressively clingier as the dates went on, and it started getting really
uncomfortable. Normally, I’m not one to engage in public displays of affection.
If I do, I’m hugging someone hello or goodbye, I might kiss someone in
public if I’ve been seeing them for a while, and usually I try and do it when
no one else is around. The day we went to the art gallery was when it really
ramped up. Sebastian kept trying to hold my hand in the street, and tried to
“romantically” (read awkwardly) pull me in for a kiss by saying “come here…”
with what I can only assume was his bedroom face, before wrapping his arms
around my waist and yanking me closer to him- in the middle of an exhibit. I’m
really not about that. The final date was one that I was also not a huge fan
of, so I will try and keep this brief and then I’ll explain why I was a bad
We were hanging out, had eaten dinner and I think Sebastian thought things were going to go a little bit further than they were. He started kissing me, really trying to make out with me, and get heated. This was something I was also not interested in, but it didn’t stop him from trying. That was when I felt it. I was wearing a dress, he was wearing dress pants and all of a sudden I felt something warm on my leg. No – he hadn’t peed on me, but yes, he had gotten VERY excited and I was suddenly very aware of that. Oy with the poodles already. Sebastian had cum on my leg and was done for the night. He promptly informed me he had only ever had sex once, and it was a few years (exactly to the day) earlier. Wonderful. This for me was way too much information and I excused myself to the bathroom to wipe my leg clean and get ahold of myself. Sebastian was a chronic over sharer, a quality in him I was beginning to strongly dislike. I went back out and he seemed pretty pleased with himself, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me in and kissing my nose repeatedly (ew ew ew ew ew) and telling me how great I was. The date ended abruptly then and I went home to shower and rid of the horrific memory of that night. Each date had had an element worse than the last, from bragging constantly about having been to a private school, to talking through a movie I had desperately wanted to see, to being condescending and competitive about everything (including whose parents love who more – hint, my parents are divorced and I don’t have a great relationship with one of them, so that conversation was quite triggering for me.) He told me about crashing his car a couple of months after he had been given it so his parents bought him a new one (I had worked hard to earn the money to buy myself a second hand car – he had been given 2 brand new ones), he told me about competing with his pregnant sister for who had the better blood pressure, commenting that I wouldn’t understand as I never had any siblings to compete with, before making the real kicker of a comment – “What kind of childhood did you even have?” (which again triggered me as I have a lot of trauma attached to my childhood that I don’t like thinking about on a date).
Sebastian also never seemed to understand the requests I made about his behavior in public, let alone the physical cues that went along with them. No matter how often I pulled away or told him something made me uncomfortable, he still persisted in doing it. On our second date, he had told his friends we were going out and they had asked for “a picture of the happy couple!” as if we were boyfriend and girlfriend already (on our second date.) which I again mentioned made me uncomfortable after he tried to get a picture with me.
Now, I said I was a bad date at the top of this, but I’ll leave you to judge for yourselves and please let me know what you think when you read the rest of this.
I had tried and failed to set up clear boundaries with Sebastian from the start, telling him I wasn’t comfortable with PDA’s, letting him know I wasn’t an affectionate person when I don’t know someone well and didn’t enjoy holding hands or kissing in public, I told him repeatedly that I have an issue with being touched when I haven’t consented and that it takes a bit of time for me to get to that level with anyone. All of this seemingly fell on deaf ears, as he consistently pushed the boundaries and made me feel increasingly uncomfortable. At this point, any time he tried to hold my hand, I pulled it away; I felt that if I walked ahead of him, he wouldn’t try and kiss me in public, and that if I made a physical point of not getting caught in his immediate vicinity, he would get the hint. Actions would hopefully speak louder than words, and with how clingy he was getting, it was the only way I could see fit to get out of it if my words were going nowhere.
Sebastian also started getting ridiculously jealous about nothing- my male friends (with girlfriends) were threats, my gay friends were threats – any male I interacted with was a threat to him. I wasn’t even his girlfriend, but the clingy started turning to possessive. This, combined with how competitive and condescending he was becoming made me feel more and more suffocated. I had met Sebastian between semesters at Uni and a week after our last date, my semester started again so I became twice as busy as I had been with work and study. I was sitting in a class one day when Sebastian asked me what I was doing – so I told him what class I was in.
“Your entire degree is such a wank wtf.” He responded.
Granted, I was in a subject I had chosen as I had deemed it to be an easy pass and needed my elective to be a bit more forgiving than the 3 core units I had to do as well that semester. But does that give him, or anyone for that matter, the right to belittle me and cast judgement on what I had chosen to do? The answer is, and always will be, no.
“Wow.” Was the only response I could muster.
“No no no not what I meant! Just that that class sounds so different to what I’m used to with Uni.”
This was the last straw for me, and I decided to stop responding. Sebastian had disrespected my boundaries, my wishes and my comfort and now he was disrespecting my life choices. Boy, bye.
Sebastian kept hanging on, texting me asking if I wanted to
hang out on various nights, asking if I wanted to come to family events (um,
no.) or to events related to his hobbies – where his family would also be
so oh, what a great chance to meet them. It was that very week I met the
person I dated for the next year, and then that I decided to be a little bit
petty. While studying the night before my first date with this new boy, I
accidentally sent Sebastian a snap intended for one of my closest friends who
had asked me what I was doing the following day and whether I wanted to get
coffee. I had double tapped what I thought was my friend’s snap to reply, and
instead had tapped the one below it from Sebastian to reply to him.
Instead of sending a snap to apologize, I decided to add insult to injury. All my initial snap had said was “Sorry, I can’t, I’m going to hang out with X, we’re going to this local cafe.” (Side bar – I haven’t decided what I’ll call that boy yet as I am still tossing up whether or not to write about him in one of these posts – so for now he is X.) And without sending any clarifying snap to let him know I was going on a date with someone else, I left it.
I had also named the local café in my snap, as we are all from the same area and know the place I was talking about – Sebastian, too, because he lived 5 minutes away and had asked me to meet him there one day. Ha ha haaaa.
Sebastian responded with his typical “Who is that?????” and
all I could do was laugh and say “Sorry, wrong person.”
While on the date, I posted an Instagram story where you could clearly see a man’s hands in the background at the table with me. Sebastian was the first person to view the story, and immediately messaged me to ask how my day was and what I had decided to do. I ignored his message and continued on my date, enjoying what was the start of a mostly fantastic relationship with someone I clicked with really well. As I got home, X and I were already planning our next 2 dates, and Sebastian sent me a message asking if I were still at that café and if I wanted to wait there and get coffee when he finished work. No.
It was a few days later, after I posted a snap of myself with the caption “hiking date ready” to my story that I saw Sebastian typing and then nothing. I later discovered he had blocked me in doing that. Haaaaaa.
On my third date with X (which fell within a week of the
first) I got what I can only describe as the most useless message of my life. I
had made it clear to Sebastian that I wasn’t interested in pursuing things,
even down to outright ignoring him when he wouldn’t accept what I was saying,
and had given him no signs or reason to think he was getting a girlfriend out
of this situation. As I got into X’s car to head off on another hike, I laughed
and read out the following message to him –
“Hey * redacted *, I hope you’re well! I don’t think things between us are working anymore, and I’m really sorry but I just don’t think it’s going to go any further. I understand if you’re confused and I’m more than happy to sit down and talk it out if you need any further information, but I just don’t think we’re working and I don’t want to hurt you. Thank you for everything and good luck in the future.”
Sebastian had broken up with me – after weeks of me telling him he was making me uncomfortable and asking him to stop, while I was in someone else’s car going out on a date, he ended things. We went on a hike near Sebastian’s house (as he and X live only minutes from one another but have never met or had anything to do with one another beyond both knowing me.) and a few times while driving out on another date, X and I would pass Sebastian on the street or at the local shops, and every time it looked like we had punched him in the face.
When I got home from that date with X, after texting him to
accept plans for our 4th date, I decided to text Sebastian back and
give him a piece of my mind.
“Hey bud.” (always the start of a super bitchy text on my behalf)
“Don’t worry your tiny head about it, I’m not in the slightest bit confused. I don’t want to sit down and talk it out, I know why it’s not working. I want to give you some advice for the future. If a girl isn’t comfortable with something you’re doing, don’t do it. And if you get a second date out of her, don’t immediately tell your friends about it, and if you do, don’t then show her the message where they’re asking for a picture of “the happy couple.” That’s probably moving a bit too fast, and combined with the other issue, it may be a bit much for her. All the best.” And with that he was gone.
Funnily enough, he didn’t text me back, though he is still in the viewing list of every Instagram story I’ve ever posted. He recently found a girlfriend and put it on Facebook (something I’m surprised he didn’t try with me considering how clingy he got.) And while I’m happy for them; I truly, truly hope she’s either the most tolerant person alive or that he’s grown up and taken feedback on board.
Otherwise I hope their breakup is public, and I hope I am able to witness it – I love a good “told ya so” moment.