The One Where I Had to be The Bitch. – Happn

Sometimes the situation just calls for it. This is another story of how lying bites you in the arse, especially if you’re not aware of a connection that would catch you in the middle of said lie. I always advocate for a truthful, honest approach but I guess that’s not the highest of priorities for everyone.

I met Jason on Happn, and don’t especially remember how or when we matched, but we started speaking and after about a week of general chit-chat he started getting a little pushy about meeting. Jason popped up in my recommended friends on Facebook one day and I noticed we had a mutual friend – the partner of one of my cousins. Some light investigating showed that he had been in the same year as her sister at school and, during school, was friends with the sister’s boyfriend – though they weren’t as close anymore. They only stayed in contact through their friend group and weren’t necessarily the closest of the bunch, with Jason making new friends through Uni and work, drifting a little bit from the group, but I at least knew he was a real person and not a catfish. This connection later proved to be a way to catch him lying. For the purposes of this story I will call my cousin’s partner Jenna, her sister Elise and Elise’s boyfriend Eric, as these will be key players a little later on.
Jason happened to get rather pushy about the whole idea of planning a date, and after a few days I eventually gave in to get him off my back. He wasn’t over the top pushy about anything, he was just a little excited about planning a date.  I only had one day free that I could potentially do, though I had to go to a class later in the afternoon so I made a point of saying to him that I had only a limited window this day, and that I would need to leave at a certain time. This didn’t seem to suit Jason, as he was only available for a limited window in the middle of the day himself. Ok, no problem, if it gets this awful experience over and done with sooner then I’ll skip my class, no hassle. He wasn’t the most fascinating person to hold a conversation with, so I wasn’t exactly excited about the date (but remember, I’ve been planning this blog for a really long time, so I was willing to go through with it. And who knows, maybe he would surprise me? Spoiler Alert – he did, but not in a nice way.)

Come the day we were supposed to meet and Jason was opening all my snaps but not responding. A bit weird, but I wasn’t supposed to meet him until 11:30 and he may have just been busy. He had said he would text me when he was available and we could meet, but our default time was 11:30, just in case. Cool. Jason had said that he was busy that morning so I wasn’t too worried.
11:30 came round and he still hadn’t said anything but I was supposed to be meeting him at a café near my house, so I decided to drive past and check to see if he were there as we had planned to meet outside. The (non-mafia style) drive by proved fruitless as he wasn’t there, so I decided to go back home, as I could be at the café within 5 minutes if he suddenly got there because he was late in traffic. 12pm rolled around and still no word, so I sent him a message to check that he was ok and to let him know that I would be leaving for my class at 2 and would still be able to make it if he really wanted to hang out, my time would just be a little more limited. I also let him know that my lecturer had told us that morning that we couldn’t miss this class as it would contain vital information about an upcoming assignment that we all needed to know.
At about 1, Jason finally texted me back (after opening the message I sent him on Snapchat instantly after sending it.) and the following lie ensued –
Hey * redacted * sorry,  I’ve not even checked my phone today I’ve just been so overwhelmed.” First, before we go any further I’ll say I know that’s not true as he had been on Instagram, had seen the story I posted almost instantly after I posted it, had liked a photo I posted, had commented on Elise’s latest photo of the group at a festival and had opened every single message I sent him within seconds of me sending it. But let’s carry on.
Late last night my friend Eric messaged me to let me know his girlfriend’s dad had died very suddenly that night.” Pause. Remember when I said you needed to remember some key players? Eric is Elise’s boyfriend. Elise is Jenna’s sister. Jenna is dating my cousin, both of whom I am very close to, so this came as news to me. Jenna’s family have been like family to us since they were in school as they have been so close and together for so long that we’ve come to know them quite well. My heart sunk in my chest thinking about Jenna’s dad dying, but some part of me felt this wasn’t the full story. But again, we’ll carry on.
“He died last night and we’re at the funeral today.” Pause again. How fast are funerals usually organised after someone dies? I didn’t think if he had died late last night, as Jason claimed, it would be organised by 11:30 the next day. Carrying on.
I was so so close to him at school, he was like a dad to me at times, so this is a really hard day and I’d appreciate it if you respected my privacy and left me to be with my family today.”

A quick scan of Jenna and Elise’s profiles, and a frantic message to Jenna sent, I found out that not only was her dad alive and well, but that Jason wasn’t close to the group at all, he had in fact been ousted after he drunkenly tried to come on to Elise in front of Eric. I told Jenna the story, and agreed with her that not only was this excuse pathetic but also disgusting that he would go this far to get out of a date. I decided to check in with old mate, seeing as this was SUCH a hard day for him and his family.
Hey Jason, I’m so sorry to hear that. Can I just ask, is your friend Eric * redacted * ?”
Not an unreasonable question given the situation, and not at all unreasonable if he were actually using Elise and Jenna’s dad as an excuse, clearly missing the connection and shared surname of myself and my cousin. My surname is only common because of the size of my family, and not because it’s a common name like Smith or Jones, but clearly Einstein had not clicked yet that this connection existed. Hoping he had another friend named Eric, I waited. Ding.
“Yeah, that’s him! My best mate in the whole world, his girlfriend is Elise * redacted. * How do you know them? I’ll talk to you after this, I’m just at the service now.”
OH. BOY. You did NOT just bring Elise into this.
Yeah, crazy small world, my cousin is dating Elise’s sister Jenna. I actually just spoke to Jenna and she told me her dad is fine… Do you have another friend Eric who also has a girlfriend named Elise? It’s just kind of crazy that you say this cause I just spoke to Jenna and she said her dad’s fine. I’m not upset that you didn’t want to go on this date, I’m actually just kind of concerned that you lied like that when I quite clearly know Jenna and Elise… They’re a bit upset about this too.”
What happened next is something I will never forget, never forgive, and never stop laughing about. He had this to say-
Are you f*cking kidding me? You heartless c**t. How dare you insinuate that I lie to you about this, what kind of sick f*ck lies about this??” This sentiment was exactly what I had been thinking. What kind of sick person lies about someone else dying to get out of a date? I sent him a message to clarify that I know Jenna and Elise and had checked with them because I had genuinely been worried about their dad. This was his delightful response.
“Are you f*cking for real? You cold, loveless bitch how f*cking dare you, you’re not even worth my time if this is how you’re going to treat someone who just lost a friend. This is un-f*cking believable. I hope someone close to you dies very soon and you have to put someone in this position because then maybe you’ll realise what a c**t you’re being about this. You know what skank? No wonder you’re f*cking single, you’ll never be loved if you’re going to continue acting like such a righteous, stuck up slut. You’re not even pretty, go f*ck yourself. You bitch, you actual f*cking slut I cannot believe you. You deserve the pain I feel right now for Elise’s dad. Never speak to me again, you c**t.”
At this, I sent him the screenshots of my chat with Jenna, sent Jenna the screenshots of my conversation with Jason and blocked his number. Jason did in fact try and contact me a few times after that, and I reminded him that I was a cold, loveless bitch who wasn’t even worth his time.

And they say modern romance is dead.

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