So, for another short, bad app instalment, we’re going back to 2016 and to my first encounter on Bumble. For those who are unfamiliar, Bumble is an app where (in heterosexual matches) women are supposed to make the first move. You have 24 hours after you match to say something, and they have 24 hours after you say something to respond. Sounds stressful, yeah? Yeah. Very. But at 18 when all I wanted was to push myself and my boundaries, this seemed like such a smart move, and with my misplaced confidence and my ego still in tact (my, how the mighty have fallen…) I decided this was for me. Don’t worry, I do hear you saying “This is so stupid of you.” And you know what? You’re not wrong, it was very misguided of me.
I again armed myself with an artillery of dad jokes, puns, cheesy pick up lines and; combined with the witty things I expected to come up with on the fly about people’s individual profiles, I felt ready to take on the world. I’ve always prided myself on having a quick wit and an alright sense of humour; things I not only learnt from Lorelei Gilmore, but have successfully used to attract some of my better dates (so, you know, rarely the people you’ll hear about on here 😉 ) I also have a coffee addiction comparable with the coffee queen herself, and after this encounter I swear there was not enough coffee in the world to make me feel better.
I matched with a boy (let’s call him Luke) who I thought was pretty attractive. 6’1, 22 years old, tanned, buff, dark hair, hazel eyes… Sounds pretty great when you put it on paper, right? But then he opened his mouth.
I sent him a pickup line I thought of when I saw a particular photo of him walking out of the ocean, and what he sent in response was pretty appalling by my standards. I complimented his physique, noting that he had obviously put a lot of effort into it – and I admired that. But then he responded with “Well I’m touched. Maybe I could help you with some exercise options? Nothing wrong with being chubby but surely you’d like to be happier.” ALRIGHT bud, is that really what you want your lasting impression to be? As I’ve said before, I know I’m not a supermodel and that I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea – but there really is no need to be so passive aggressive about something so soon after matching. I am a fiercely private person by nature, I never link my profiles to my social media and I never give away too much information about myself because of my own personal trauma and issues. I usually try and keep my dating profile photos conservative to highlight the parts of myself I don’t hate. I’m also not chubby, I’m proportioned to my height and (as someone who struggled with anorexia for a long time) so the comment comes from the place all opinions in the beauty and fitness industries do. That misguided sense of righteousness. That “holier than thou” attitude when it comes to dealing out advice and giving constructive criticism. Could this even be considered constructive? Maybe to some girl, and maybe to the Pyramid Scheme I now look back and think he was trying to sell to me, but hey. I didn’t fall for it, I simply laughed at how confronting such a message was. Is this really what guys think is appropriate to say to women? Cause if this is what men think will work on a girl, can someone please recommend a nice Convent? I’m thinking of making a change.
Luke was swiftly blocked and forgotten, and my first Bumble experience went under the rug because I was too scared (and ashamed) to tell anyone what had happened until now, 3 years after the fact and many, many bad dates later. I gave myself another small break and went back to Tinder. At least there, there’s a chance the guy will message first! But is that always a good thing…?