The One with the Aggressive Opener – Tinder.

Let’s jump ahead a little to break up the bad dates and tell the story of a really bad dating app experience.
It was late 2016, I was back on Tinder after another stint off it and I was swiping late at night after a particularly shitty shift at work. It was about 5am and I couldn’t sleep, anxiety had me well and truly in it’s clutches over a myriad of small things that somehow became one big thing. So my late night swiping got a few matches, but wanting to avoid seeming like a booty call, I made a mental note of who I was planning to message with some witty openers later that morning and called it a night. I woke up at 12pm, less than bright eyed and bushy tailed, but ready to send my now well thought out openers to my select few. As I was typing out the first message (some less than marvellous dad joke, no doubt) I got a notification that I had matched with someone who I didn’t recognise. At the time, it didn’t seem like a big deal. I have been known to swipe the wrong way sometimes or accidentally super like someone while trying to wipe donut glaze off my phone screen screen, though I assumed he would be one of those guys who match with you and either never message you or never respond.
I put my phone down and got ready for another delightful shift but when I arrived at work, I saw a message from this guy. Cool, I thought, I guess he was interested after all. I’ll check that later.
So I got into my shift, was about the go on my break and remembered the message. So far, my dad jokes and cheesy pick up lines were met with lukewarm responses and the odd laugh, but this message was different. There were just 3 little words on my screen. “U butt ugly.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a jaw dropping, stunningly beautiful supermodel by any means and I certainly don’t live under the impression that I’m going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but there was something so cruel about matching with someone only to tell them how ugly they are to you. Just don’t swipe right? To be fair, I didn’t swipe right on him intentionally, and I’ve definitely heard that some people do live by the “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” mantra, but I’m not one to fall for that. My fragile self esteem and broken self image don’t work with someone who thinks that’s how to treat another person. I don’t want or crave approval from drop kicks on dating apps. This one was more just a laugh out loud kind of bad; the kind of bad you tell your mates about, have a small cry about and then remind yourself who the f*ck you are and get over it. No real heartbreak, or heartache, attached to someone who clearly thinks so little of you. Also, this from a boy who looks like a famous mass murderer? Uh-uh honey, not today. I took great pride in blocking him, but not before I showed the people that I worked with who seemed to get a rise out of it, too. I’m sure there were some story behind him messaging me that, maybe I reminded him of his ex girlfriend, or a girl who rejected him in high school. Maybe I am just so radiantly beautiful he couldn’t control it and what he tried to say came out in moron 😉 and maybe, just maybe, he was an immature 19 year old who was attempting to insult me into liking him.

There is absolutely no part of me that wonders where this guy ended up, or whether he found success on an app, as in mid 2019 he ended up liking and commenting on one of my (better) photos on Hinge, telling me how stunning I am and how bright my smile is. You’re not wrong, my dude, I am stunning and I do have a very bright smile. You look far too much like Richard Speck, which on it’s own is suspicious enough, but 3 years ago I decided – you’re just not worth the effort. **flips hair and saunters off **

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